Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
