Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i would punch a child for taco bell
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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