Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
