she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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