once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
