College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
and she was petting her beer can
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
