I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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