I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹ï¸
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
