if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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