Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
