I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
