so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
