Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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