You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
