So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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