You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
