I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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