Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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