girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
