Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
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sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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