WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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