I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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