How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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