Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.