dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.