I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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