I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
