Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
