Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
