there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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