I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
