hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
