After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
