I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
