I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
