i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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