You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
