he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Vodka?
Forever.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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