i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
