he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Randomize
