ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
