um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
