thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
