I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
