My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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