Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
