I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
