Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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