I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
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Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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