It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
