You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
