and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
