Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
