Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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