All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
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As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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